Exclusive Members-only Interview with Terry Felber, Author of Am I Making Myself Clear? Secrets of the World’s Greatest Communicators

You may be the hardest worker in your company, the most innovative thinker in your industry or the most forward-thinking leader in the world, but if you lack the communication skills to effectively express your ideas, your accomplishments will fall far short of your potential. According to Terry Felber, author of a new book, Am I Making Myself Clear? Secrets of the World’s Greatest Communicators (Thomas Nelson Publishers), “If we could only communicate our ideas well, our world would dramatically improve: our jobs would become more satisfying, our bank accounts would grow, our marriages would be happier, our families would be healthier, our minds would be sharper and our overall quality of life would be brighter.”

Since any practice that can change our lives so dramatically is definitely worth pursuing, AMA’s Shari Lifland interviewed Terry Felber recently about how to improve our job performance and satisfaction by honing our communication skills.

Shari Lifland: In your book you lament that communication is “a lost art.” With the multiple modes of communication available today in the “Information Age,” have we really lost the ability to communicate effectively?

Terry Felber: True, we have many new mechanisms for communication today—e-mails, voicemails, faxes, etc. But the dissemination of information should not be
confused with real communication. Communication, as we define it, is a real connection between people, where information is not just put forth, it is “received,” which involves a dynamic that goes beyond the mere exchange of information. To some degree we have lost the art of communication, as we have come to rely upon these new vehicles for
the dissemination of information.

SL: Your book is subtitled Secrets of the World’s Greatest Communicators. If you had to choose the #1 secret, what would it be?

TF: If I were to pick one secret of good communication, it is always to connect with people in a real way, making sure that your communication is received in the way you intend. This lets people know that you value them and are interested in them. When someone feels that you truly care about him or her, they will in turn, care about you. Here are some of the ways you can accomplish this: ask them questions about themselves, show that you are listening, maintain eye contact, include non-verbal responses, mirror their speech and behavior, talk from their perspective and use the other person’s name frequently.

SL: You quote a study that found that we communicate only 8% of what we are trying to say through our words, and 90+% nonverbally. How can businesspeople use this knowledge to their advantage in the workplace?

TF: Businesspeople should be aware that it is not so much what you say, as how you say it, that creates the response they’re looking for. Tone of voice, facial expression, eye contact, body position, talking from the other person’s perspective, appearance, asking questions, listening, being “real” and forthright and humor are all important to this end.

For example, when a subordinate walks into your office for an appointment you requested, if you are short with him and in a terse tone tell him to sit down, not looking up from your desk, but continuing to read an e-mail, he or she will be demoralized from the very start. If you then move right in to questioning him on a business question, without asking him about how he’s doing personally, and as he’s speaking you’re tapping your pen on the desk and continuing to look at your computer screen, the odds of him feeling a rapport with you are slim-to-next-to-none. And yet this kind of dehumanizing behavior is all too common in business settings.

SL: What advice can you give to someone whose boss is a poor communicator? How can he or she open up the lines of communication to improve the workplace situation?

TF: If your boss doesn’t communicate well, you have to take the lead in making your needs known. However, keep in mind that how you say something is at least as important as what you say. In my book, I discuss the difference between passiveness, aggressiveness and assertiveness:

Passiveness is allowing people to walk all over you—the “door-mat” syndrome.
Aggressiveness is the opposite. It is abrasive behavior that does not take the other person’s feelings into account.

Assertiveness, the quality that elicits the best response, communicates forth-rightness and honesty. It is a respect-based balance between passiveness and aggressiveness.

So if there is a pressing issue that you need to discuss with your non-communicatative boss, you might approach the subject like this: “Jim, I value our relationship, and have a great respect for both what you have accomplished here and for you as a person. And I know that if there were an issue that is affecting my productivity here at work, you would want me to talk to you about it...”

SL: It’s interesting that in a book about communication, you devote an entire chapter to the importance of one’s appearance. How does the way one looks help or hinder one’s ability to make oneself understood?

TF: One’s appearance in work-related situations can affect the way a person
receives what you are trying to communicate. If you are talking to a 60-year-old banker about a line-of-credit for your business, and he’s sitting behind his desk dressed in a conservative suit, clean shaven, with a short-cropped haircut, an immediate barrier will go up if you show up for the interview with shoulder-length hair, a scraggly beard, dressed in cut-off blue jeans and a grease-stained T-shirt. The first impression you create can open or close a mind to what you have to say. This is why lawyers provide detailed instruction to their clients on how to dress when they appear in court before a judge and jury.

SL: What is “self-talk,” and how can it help us improve our communication with others?

TF: What you tell yourself, more than anything else, determines your outcomes.
Self-talk is the mental discussion we have with ourselves. We have the ability to control those thoughts, since the subconscious mind accepts whatever we tell it. So if a person tells himself that the business discussion he is about to have is going to have a bad outcome, the subconscious accepts that and creates a situation to fulfill that negative vision. You can’t have feelings without having thoughts that lead to those feelings. So if you have negative thoughts about a co-worker, working yourself into a lather over how you’ve been mistreated, chances are that when you talk next with that person, you are going to be tense and short with him.

SL: In your book you discuss five representational systems—visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory and gustatory—which correspond to the five senses. Since different people rely on different combinations of these channels to form the basis for their thoughts and feelings, how can we reach those individuals whose preferred method of experience is different from our own?

TF: The first step in dealing with people from the perspective of their primary representational system is to identify what their primary system is. Then, being aware of their perspective in communication, you can strategize how you can better talk in their terms so that your word will be received more effectively.

SL: What is the biggest communication mistake people make?

TF: Interrupting a person while he’s talking! Other common mistakes include: being a “motor mouth,” (just talking about yourself, as opposed to talking about the other person), using profanity and talking behind people’s backs. Always remember that everyone needs to feel appreciated and important. If you can fill that need, people will be much more open to what you have to say. And you’ll find that you become much more successful in everything you do.

If you would like to learn more about how to improve your communication skills, consider the following AMA seminars:

Terry Felber can be contacted at terry.felber@usa.net.